Wooden Box

I can feel a fugue state coming on...
Who knows what will happen post-freakout.
All I need are access to drugs to be my own psychiatrist.
sigh...
I need friends in farther places than 20 blocks down.

Posted by Chelsea J at 1:41 PM 0 comments

FIFTEEN

"I went to two name brand universities for my bachelor's and master's degrees. No matter how hard I tried, and despite a plus 3.5 GPA, I couldn't land one of those management consulting jobs they have for liberal arts college students that some of my friends landed. After puttering around for ten years post-BA/MA and a lot of soul-searching and analysis of my interests and work habits, I've decided to try to gain admission into pharmacy school. My science credits aren't good anymore (it's been more than 5 years since I graduated), so I have to retake them, according to my state's pharmacy school. I don't have any debt (no loans or credit card debt or anything), but I've been so poorly paid during the past ten years that all I can afford is the local community college for prerequisites. Which isn't a problem for the admissions committee, but suddenly poses a some kind of emotional/psychological problem for me that I hadn't anticipated.

I was raised working class but went to school with people whose parents were really well off and sent to to prestigious schools, camps, trips, etc. It was fairly pretentious, where everyone loved you if you went to Ivy League schools or the top liberal arts colleges. The parents financed the kids' dithering around NYC after graduation and eventually, degrees in something practical when their artistic desires didn't pan out. One friend who did a Master's in Russian Literature at NYU after college decided to go to the Goucher College premed postbac program after a few years of working, courtesy of her parents. Another friend married a guy who paid off her graduate school debt in one fell swoop and she quit her extremely well paid analyst job to have kids. They have a beautiful house and take amazing vacations.

I know I'm working class, but I never really felt working class. I had a friend refer to me as "low income" (which I'm not -- I don't make that much but I'm single, childfree, I can afford rent, and I'm not in debt and I'm able to save, and I don't qualify for welfare).

I'm jealous, and I'm ashamed of being jealous. I should be proud of myself and have higher self-esteem. If I could just accept who I am instead of daydreaming about what I wish I had, and pretending I'm too good for something when I know I'm not, then I could stop feeling like a loser. I know that when I was little, I was really influenced by television and books and by my friends and their families, rather than my own family (my parents had to work alot and were tired when they got home, so there was very little contact or ability to absorb philosophy, and I'm sorry I ever had them pay my tuition to fancy colleges with their hard earned money, which is why I wouldn't ask them for money or help ever).

I also don't want to be the person who complains about how much I have to work and how easy other people have it, and make myself feel better that way. Additionally, I'm living in a place I hate (DC/MD area -- I'd started running out of money towards the end of grad school and took the first job that came my way and changed jobs based on really small rises in pay and perceived stability).

I want to move, but it takes forever to get residency anywhere else and I feel like if I did, I'd be alone and end up homeless or dead or even worse off than I am now. I don't know anyone in the places I'd like to live and I'm generally afraid of strangers now, so I can't make new friends. I have a longtime boyfriend here too (who supports my plans, but thinks all I need to hear is positive statements to feel better), and friends (who are typically too busy to see me but it's not easy making friends with normal people -- everybody already has their friends). I'd love to move to Hawaii or NM, but everybody would love to do that, so I try to be realistic about that and tell myself I have to stay where I can save the most money (here, in ugly, depressing, pretentious yet crappy, low rent, horrible MD) and have some semblance of a personal life (boyfriend and friends), rather than being totally alone and depressed somewhere else.

How do I get a grip on who I am, stop wishing for what can't be, and build real self esteem that isn't based on what schools I'm going to or what career I'm going into (my fancy friends wrinkle their noses at my mention of pharmacy school and suggest I try to go to medical school and attend some expensive postbac program at Georgetown for $1K a credit. I realize that they're just uninformed, but it's irritating and at the same time, makes me feel bad), where I live, or what anyone else might think? I know I'm doing the very best that I can and I should be proud that I'm paying for my own schooling and making all the right decisions for myself, but I just feel so small and alone and scared. At the least, I just want to feel better about leaving my job and going to community college."

http://ask.metafilter.com/157163/When-I-take-stock-I-realize-Im-nothing

I'm fucking jealous of my higher-achieving friends too. I made the mistake of checking up on one of them last night.

Posted by Chelsea J at 11:07 AM 0 comments

FOURTEEN

I need to get out of school so that I can continue mentally growing-- since it's clear that I've stopped that process since high school.
It's crazy how limited a person can be. Your circuits are just overloaded with 1 goal and you can't devote resources to anything else. There is a threshold present here. Just like an action potential, you can't come to a conclusion about life without putting in a massive amount of time to ponder in one go. All this pitter-patter and multi-tasking is just distracting me from other things I have to do.
I can't believe I'm back here, of all places. There's a certain amount of exhibitionism a blogger has. Even when you don't want certain people to read your thoughts, you can't help but to put them out in a public place so that you at least feel connected and maybe just maybe there's a stranger out there who feels the same way and will respond.
Why am I struggling to remain an idealist? It's stupid.
I think about taking time off from school, but there isn't much left to go and it's a really critical point where all these disparate topics are actually coming together. That would be like dropping a hot pie just before you reach the table. I like pain, so why not just suffer through it a little more.
I found a splinter-cell of an LJ from a long time ago. It's scary how you can fragment yourself into all sorts of personalities. I'm bitter now, but I was so much angrier then. Going there and reading a grand total of 5 entries takes me back. It makes me wonder how I got over that. Maybe I didn't

Labels: life, school

Posted by Chelsea J at 12:19 PM 0 comments

THIRTEEN- Rotation 3

I'm pretty fucking pissed with life. Unfortunately, "pissed" seems to be the only word coming out of my mouth these days, and I'm not even describing the actual act of urinating.
I wanted to procrastinate a little and even that was screwed over by the stupid image file not working because it's a tad bit smarter than I thought it was. It's a good thing that there's such things as good Samaritans, and I got a solution for it...it's too bad that it's long-winded and time-consuming to actually execute. Who burns CDs these days anyway??

To complement the wonderful bitchery I'm doing, I decided to "continue my beautiferous music rotation that everyone should love!" I'll be less stingy than 3 songs I guess...whatever.
Oh wait, now I remember. It took EONS for one song to load on that site!

DRINK IT DOWN by L'Arc en Ciel
L'Arc en Ciel, I hate to say it but they're a great band. I have no idea what they're saying, but the melody's enough to carry it out. Lots of J-Rock, definitely tolerable to those unfamiliar with the genre. It makes you want to be a headbanger...with slanted eyes.


Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin
If you've ever watched Shrek 2...3...whatever, the one with all the princesses, then you remember the best scene of the movie which was when they were all fighting and Sleeping Beauty was well...sleeping. That screaming beginning part of the scene is actually from this song, which imho, isn't all that epic, but it's led zeppelin, so whatever. Fun to listen to, not the BEST thing ever. Classic rock, right?

Barrell Roll, Starfox remix by Prototype Raptor
It's a video game remix from OCRemi.org. The memes can be lost on you, I don't particularly care about that, but this is an amazing remix of the soundtrack. Very techno-electronica beat, fast-paced, some laughs with the voice-bytes included.

Der Erlkoenig played by Hilary Hahn
Classical, mostly. Not classical in the technical sense of the word. I forgot who composed this, easy to search but I have exams I need to study for. People might say that the rendition for Dmitiri something or other is better because he "fucks the shit out of the song". First of all, if you're going to listen to this stuff, it's not a song, it's a "piece", moron. And second, he played well but he was totally going for a quicky with the piece. Hahn's technical skills aren't any lower here, the slightly slower version actually conveys the story much better.
Before I get to the story, the piece is daaaark. Not too emo-dark, but it's obviously not something upbeat. Very gothic kind of vampiric quality. Not a slow piece, so it should be a good starter for those who aren't too into instrumentals.
Story: courtesy of wikipedia.

Who rides, so late, through night and wind?
It is the father with his child.
He holds the boy in the crook of his arm
He holds him safe, he keeps him warm.

"My son, why do you hide your face so anxiously?"
"Father, do you not see the Erlking?
The Erlking with crown and cloak?"
"My son, it's a wisp of fog."

"You lovely child, come, go with me!
Many a beautiful game I'll play with you;
Some colorful flowers are on the shore,
My mother has many golden robes."

"My father, my father, can't you hear,
What the Erlking quietly promised me?"
"Be calm, stay calm, my child;
The wind rustles through dry leaves."

"Do you want to come with me, fine lad?
My daughters should be waiting for you;
My daughters lead the nightly dances
And will rock and dance and sing you to sleep."

"My father, my father, can't you see there,
The Erlking's daughters in the gloomy place?"
"My son, my son, I see it well:
The old willows seem so gray."

"I love you, your beautiful form entices me;
And if you're not willing, I shall use force."
"My father, my father, he's grabbing me now!
The Erlking has wounded me!"

The father shudders; he rides swiftly,
He holds in his arms the moaning child.
Barely he arrives at the yard in urgency;
In his arms, the child was dead.

Labels: anger, mp3 rotation

Posted by Chelsea J at 5:16 PM 0 comments

TWELVE

Speaking of "twelve", I saw "twelfth night", and it was wonderful. Perhaps it was the fact that I was behind the barrel of a camera for the entire performance, but I felt a little disenchanted. I think I have to not go into that building anymore, it's not...good for me. At least for my mental growth, but lord knows how much of a juvenile I am within these neurons.
I think I have to stop being apologetic. (And then I think, but I am such a mean person). Because every time I do something, I stop and say that I'm sorry. Perhaps this is a vicious cycle...who knows.

blahblahblah

Labels: maturation, utter crap

Posted by Chelsea J at 12:32 PM 0 comments

ELEVEN

It's weird because I still feel like I'm on vacation even though I'm clearly not.
Vacations really bother me. You have two types, the kind you bum around on and the kind you do touristy things on. I'm not sure which is the "real" or "better" way to spend your time. One one hand, the "bum vacation" seems like a total waste of time because you're essentially celebrating that you're doing nothing. Then again, you're not running around from place to place for a week or more trying to fit as many things to do as possible. But then we come to the "tourist vacation". We can call that really hectic because sometimes you don't even know when you'll eat, your feet will hurt, and you can't make a tour and there goes your entire plan. But, you can also argue it's a better use of your time; you're learning about something new!

Blah, whatever. My dad wants the first, my mom wants the second, hence we do the second all the time, which I don't think is too bad. I just wonder sometimes, would I like the first? And then I look at all my unfinished work...haha.

Labels: vacation

Posted by Chelsea J at 9:07 AM 0 comments

TEN

I would love to have a photoblog, or for that matter, just a plain photojournal down on canvas paper. Unfortunately, this means I will need a camera. I don't. And I don't think I'll get one anytime soon. What I'm aiming for now is an electric violin, but who knows when that will appear underneath my pillow.

The North is so cold, windy, sunny, and well, to put it short, I can completely understand why anglo-saxons are so white...there's just no need for melanin at all. I was a little let down by this city, but what can I expect: it's not the mainland! In all honestly, we wasted an entire day with my romantic fascination with fossils...we should have gone westward into the National Park or to the Smuggler's Cove. What we're supposed to do in the good old Nova of Scotia, is enjoy the natural beauty, not try to go shopping...nooo, not at all, that was a bad move.
I wanted to make a special present for a friend...thinking about it. But it stings so much when you realize that you might never see them again. And that well...all that thought and effort was wasted. I overextend myself too much...is that something to be fixed or not? I think I need to call up a print company...regardless, eh? I would also like to buy a messenger bag that I can trash and put my patches on (finally), oh but when will I do that!? The summer is just too damn short.

Labels: friends, nova scotia, photoblog, romance, short summer

Posted by Chelsea J at 4:18 PM 0 comments

NINE

Maybe it's just me hanging back, but I don't feel that integrated at all.
Ugh. I disgust myself. School is starting to seem like a real drag already.
On the bright side, sort of, I finally went to the store and bought the colerase pencils I was pining after. But along with those, (since I decided the extra two dollars for the trip wasn't worth only 2 pencils) I got these really cool markers I always play around with and a sketch notebook. I have to promise myself, that this will be the sketch notebook I always use. I also have to promise myself to make a portfolio, but you know, it's easier to say that I'll use that sketchbook. So the markers, I shall have to learn how to use. I was very surprised though, that the prismacolor ones were worth a dollar more...I mean, this blend!!!

Okay, enough nonesense.

I do feel stifled though. Awfully, by Park. Although he's a great help...I think he wants my soul in return.

Labels: art, Park

Posted by Chelsea J at 8:47 PM 0 comments